Trigger warning : Suicide
Inner voices, gut instinct, sixth sense, conscience - call it what you may - make for a strange yet constant companion in our lives. Depending on your level of awareness, baggage and relationship with that voice, the feelings it invokes varies. For the longest time, I tried to take my decisions from the brain and not the heart. My justification was that rationality rests with the brain and impulsivity with the heart (a careless approach)! Needless to say, this was an illusion which caused more harm than good.
Thanks to therapy, reflection, reading, confidants and tons of patience, the bond with my inner voice is now stronger than ever. This poem captures a snippet of my journey so far.
My inner voice and I had this strange agreement for long, She tried to hold me back but I dragged ahead pretending to be strong.
She taunts me that I am fixating on that upcoming phone call, She shows me my future is bleak, urges me to stand on the ledge and fall.
She likes to be proven right and often mocks me, Others see through my lies and an imposter they will rightly see.
She tells me anxiety doesn't reside in high performing people like us She nudges me to avoid the situation by sleeping for hours, hence not create a fuss.
I have fought her for long- muffling, silencing and gagging her down The harder I tried, the stronger she resides on my head like a heavy crown.
She will never leave me and now I have accepted that it’s not my fault, So everything she say these days, I take it with a pinch of salt.
Acknowledging her words but not indulging in the emotions they invoke Has helped me tame her, no matter how hard she tries to provoke.
My inner voice and I will now have this strange agreement for long, She tries to hold me back but I am marching ahead truly feeling strong.
Rima is a community member and was part of our inaugural BecauseYOU Essentials Program. Our belief is that all of us can lead a full life, irrespective of a mental health issue. Our February batch is sold out. Block your seat for our upcoming program now, click here to find out more.