When a crisis hits, it may feel like life will never be better again. When people say it will change, it sounds like a lie. Well, crises do change lives - but does change always have to be bad?
TW // Self-Harm
As I write this post from a lovely café located in a Goan village, breathing calmness after what seems like a million years, I am a testament to the unavoidable truth that the ripples of crisis recede sooner or later. I request you (the one in crisis at the moment) to hold yourself tight as the waves crash you and into you and give yourself a chance; stay, survive, flap your wings, tire out, cry, scream, break, feel the intensity of your pain. You are allowed to feel everything. Feel - but don’t lose hope.
This time last month, I was barely making it through the day without a panic attack; the month before that, I was taking whatever I could to get a few hours of sleep in a week, before that I was stabbing myself in the leg to ‘see’ the pain, and sometime before that, I found myself in an unknown hotel off the grid. You get the picture. Through this time, I have learnt that a crisis doesn’t come alone, it brings in its army. Every wound since childhood activates, every insecurity, every fear, every loss, the agony of what one doesn’t have and what one has – all of it merges into what feels like a giant iron ball that hits the heart and the mind every second of every day. One feels bruised at a time when one needs energy the most. It’s all true. It is that bad. Trust me, I hear you.
In all of this, I was fortunate to have found a silver lining.
I’ve found that ‘Crisis’ is a massive quitter against the innate resilience of the human mind and heart. Yours, mine, all of ours. Like an immature runner, crisis sets out with full speed. With each hit, its energy dissipates bit by bit. It was hard to foresee this while I was getting hit by the crisis; it slowed down nevertheless. The speed, the intensity, the frequency – it took time and eventually became softer and softer.
Before the memories of my crisis fade away, I want to use this opportunity to share what's helping at the moment:
I try multiple positive things, and they all have a role in my journey. Therapy, medications, group therapy, music, spiritualism, meditation, exercise, new friends, reading and more. One thing alone doesn’t bring a change.
I have cast an intention into the universe that I WILL get through this and keep trying over and over.
I acknowledge that as much as my mind my body needs care at this time. In small ways, I nurture it.
I’m vulnerable and ask for help. I've spoken to several people around me and treasure them as resources to fall back upon. I want to return the favour later. For now, I’m ok with just sharing how it all feels.
I trust my wisdom: Even though this is difficult, I give myself advice as I would give to someone else exactly in my position.
I acknowledge that the big ball hanging above my head might never fully leave. In fact, I don’t want it to leave anymore. It is a part of my life. For now, I am watching it become the 'curious case of Benjamin Button' - growing older yet smaller. One day, it will be light enough to wear around my neck. That day is not today; it's not never either.
P.S. If you are someone going through a crisis now, please consider seeking help via therapy or a crisis helpline. In addition to self-help.